I’m Hatin’ It
It's hard for me to pick my least favorite thing about McDonald's: Its destructive and deplorable business practices, its nauseating food or its godawful commercials.
I'm not sure if I've enjoyed even one McDonald's commercial during the "I'm Lovin' It" era. All of these ads try so hard to be hip or funny, that they forget about concepts like "making sense." Remember "The Dollar Menunaires?" Or how about this one:
This is a key character in McDonald's commercials — the oblivious human who has no concept of what life is like on this planet. (Perhaps that's why he eats at McDonald's.) Why would he even ask someone at a travel agency or a tanning salon what he could get for a dollar? To set up the sell, of course — Mickey D's has cheap food! — but his bizarre behavior completely misses the point. Shouldn't he at least be visiting different restaurants? I mean, those Golden Corral commercials are annoying, but at least they're comparing their restaurants to other eateries. All of this would be excusable if the commercial were actually funny. It's not.
Which brings us to our next case. This prick:
So many questions. If he's that much of a jerk without coffee, and he can't even respond like a decent human being without it, why doesn't he own a coffee maker? Why does he go out of his way to tell people, "Sorry, I haven't had my coffee yet," when a "hi" would suffice? How does he still have a roommate?
But most puzzling of all is his reaction upon learning that McDonald's offers coffee: Genuine excitement and surprise, as if he just discovered that McDonald's sells coffee — ahem, "premium roast coffee for just a dollar." What? How could he not know this? And if he didn't know, why would he go to McDonald's before getting his precious coffee? The whole premise is completely flawed. Not only that, but it paints McDonald's customers as oblivious jerks.
You didn't think anyone was paying attention, did you, McDonald's? You never think anyone is paying attention. And maybe you're right. After all, it's a fair explanation of your success.
But it wasn't always this way, at least when it comes to advertising. Today is apropos to revisit one of the all-time great Super Bowl ads, courtesy of McDonald's:
UPDATE: Well, I'll be. McDonald's revealed an updated version of "The Showdown" just before tonight's Super Bowl, featuring LeBron James and Dwight Howard. Sure, it's recycled, but it's still better than the typical "I'm Lovin' It" fare.
It’s a Jeep thing, I wouldn’t understand
A television ad aimed at people who don't watch television. I wouldn't think this makes much sense, but then, there are a lot of things I don't understand about Jeeps. Like why anybody would want to own one.
Very filling. Tastes great.
The long-awaited Hines Ward/Max Talbot commercial for City of Champions Crunch Cereal is finally here. And it's got production values that make Talbot's A&L Motor Sales commercials look like James Cameron films. Let's go to the videotape.
Watch the short lady over Talbot's left shoulder at the five second mark ... did she just stifle a burp? Watch closely. Unbelievable.
Rave on, NFL fans
Apparently, people who customize their NFL apparel have the same fashion sensibilities as the folks who design children's clothing. You know, like the little shirts featuring random numbers and phrases, like "Slugger 18."
"Big Red," I suppose I can understand. But "Ham Bone" seems at least vaguely racist. "Raven King" is an odd choice. Even worse is "Ray Rave" over Ray Lewis' number. Why would you put that on a jersey? What is that even supposed to mean? And a fan wearing a hoodie that reads "Pro Bowl" with the number 9 underneath ... well, that's just confusing.
So, feel free to customize your apparel, NFL fans. As long as it doesn't include one of the more than 1,100 words and phrases banned by the league for use on said apparel. I'd link to it, but I'm still trying to keep this blog mostly family-friendly, and that includes the links.
Chase Sapphire presents A Divorce, Act I
So, let me get this straight. This dude wants to go on an amazing vacation with his wife. It looks like he's got a romantic getaway in mind. He's got all these plans. He wants to go somewhere exotic. They'll have a great time. And he's going to use their credit card reward points to take care of everything. What a guy.
Sounds perfect ... if his wife didn't already use of all those points on a dress. For herself. All of those points. One single dress. It cost as much as a vacation. And she didn't even talk to her husband about the purchase.
This prompts possibly the least realistic reaction in the history of advertising, which is saying something. The husband simply smiles. And the commercial ends.
Now, I know, she looks like she's out of his league. And if that's the case, he might be willing to give in on just about anything. But remember, this is television. From where I'm sitting (in a chair), almost every guy on television is with a woman who's out of his league. Example: Every CBS sitcom. So that means nothing.
I asked my wife what she would do, if I chose to buy myself one item, instead of spending that same money (or those same credit card points) on an unforgettable vacation with her. I said, "You probably wouldn't talk to me for a week."
She said, "More like a month." And she wasn't kidding.