Pizza punked out on the precipice of prestige
You almost did it, DiGiorno. For a few seconds there, it looked like your newest commercial would actually feature that advertising rarity — a man outsmarting a woman. Not only that — a husband outsmarting his wife. That hasn't been seen in years. Maybe decades. You go, DiGiorno!
But you just couldn't do it, could you? You weren't strong enough. The man was too dumb to hide the box. Of course he was. He's just a dopey ol' dude. We can't help ourselves.
Weak sauce, DiGiorno. In more ways than one.
Searching for the perfect prawn
Of all the omnipresent commercials being shown during the NCAA tournament, this is my least favorite.
Now, I'm sure, on some level, this made sense to someone. Someone who isn't quite sure what a blog is, or who bloggers are, or what Taco Bell is. That's the only explanation. Let's break it down.
"I'm a shrimp blogger."
Right off the bat, we've got something wrong. Shrimp blogger? This dude blogs only about shrimp? A quick search for "shrimp blog" sent me to a site that sold shrimp, and later, a blog about why shrimp suck. Now, a seafood blog, I can understand. But just shrimp?
"I've traveled seven continents just to find the perfect prawn."
What, pray tell, does the shrimp taste like in Antarctica? Are we talking about the shrimp NASA just discovered there? Maybe this guy made the discovery himself.
Bigger question: Who's funding this dude? Perhaps he inherited a fortune, and he spends his lonely life pursuing his one true passion. Shrimp.
"The legendary Hercules shrimp? Blogged it. Then I ate it."
Hmm ... where to begin? Well, the legendary Hercules shrimp doesn't exist, for one thing. (Kind of an oxymoron, no?) And I'm not sure anyone actually says "blogged it." Also, why would he "blog it" before he ate it?
"There was nothing shrimp I'd left unblogged."
Someone's pretty sure of himself.
"But when word came in that Taco Bell had Pacific Shrimp Tacos with six succulent shrimp marinated in a waterfall of spices, I had to ask, 'Should I blog it, or keep this one for myself?' "
He's been all over the world to eat every kind of shrimp. And yet, when "word came in" (presumably a text from Shrimp Blogging Headquarters) that Taco Freakin' Bell was offering a shrimp taco, he dropped everything. Uh-huh.
And how could he possibly keep it for himself? Like everyone else involved in the making of this commercial, he clearly has no idea what Taco Bell is. Those shrimp ain't going to stay secret, buddy.
And yet, in that final sentence, what bothers me most? "Marinated in a waterfall of spices." A waterfall ... of spices. Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?
I’m Hatin’ It
It's hard for me to pick my least favorite thing about McDonald's: Its destructive and deplorable business practices, its nauseating food or its godawful commercials.
I'm not sure if I've enjoyed even one McDonald's commercial during the "I'm Lovin' It" era. All of these ads try so hard to be hip or funny, that they forget about concepts like "making sense." Remember "The Dollar Menunaires?" Or how about this one:
This is a key character in McDonald's commercials — the oblivious human who has no concept of what life is like on this planet. (Perhaps that's why he eats at McDonald's.) Why would he even ask someone at a travel agency or a tanning salon what he could get for a dollar? To set up the sell, of course — Mickey D's has cheap food! — but his bizarre behavior completely misses the point. Shouldn't he at least be visiting different restaurants? I mean, those Golden Corral commercials are annoying, but at least they're comparing their restaurants to other eateries. All of this would be excusable if the commercial were actually funny. It's not.
Which brings us to our next case. This prick:
So many questions. If he's that much of a jerk without coffee, and he can't even respond like a decent human being without it, why doesn't he own a coffee maker? Why does he go out of his way to tell people, "Sorry, I haven't had my coffee yet," when a "hi" would suffice? How does he still have a roommate?
But most puzzling of all is his reaction upon learning that McDonald's offers coffee: Genuine excitement and surprise, as if he just discovered that McDonald's sells coffee — ahem, "premium roast coffee for just a dollar." What? How could he not know this? And if he didn't know, why would he go to McDonald's before getting his precious coffee? The whole premise is completely flawed. Not only that, but it paints McDonald's customers as oblivious jerks.
You didn't think anyone was paying attention, did you, McDonald's? You never think anyone is paying attention. And maybe you're right. After all, it's a fair explanation of your success.
But it wasn't always this way, at least when it comes to advertising. Today is apropos to revisit one of the all-time great Super Bowl ads, courtesy of McDonald's:
UPDATE: Well, I'll be. McDonald's revealed an updated version of "The Showdown" just before tonight's Super Bowl, featuring LeBron James and Dwight Howard. Sure, it's recycled, but it's still better than the typical "I'm Lovin' It" fare.
It’s a Jeep thing, I wouldn’t understand
A television ad aimed at people who don't watch television. I wouldn't think this makes much sense, but then, there are a lot of things I don't understand about Jeeps. Like why anybody would want to own one.