Phil Dzikiy …is a writer

The Movie Cliche Movie

FADE IN:

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

Bedside, we zoom in to the numbers on a digital alarm clock. They read 7:59 (a.m.). As the numbers change to 8:00, the clock radio plays "Five O' Clock World" by The Vogues. The song goes on for a few seconds before a hand quickly slaps the clock, and the room is silent again.

The hand belongs to JIM WALTON. Jim sits up in bed and lets out a loud yawn. His eyes are red and bleary. He doesn't want to get up, but he knows he has to. He sighs and gets out of bed.

Next comes a montage of JIM tripping through his tedious daily morning routine: Making a cup of coffee (he burns himself on the pot), making toast (burned), taking a shower (drops soap, hits head on faucet), getting dressed (can't find a matching sock), looking for his keys, and once he finds them, his car won't start. It's cold and rainy outside. He turns the key a few times to no avail. He takes a deep breath, turns the key one last time, and as the car is trying to start, he hits the dashboard. The car finally starts.

JIM

Thank God. Wouldn't want to miss another day in paradise.

*****

This is the opening scene for a screenplay I will likely never write. (Likely?) It is a film constructed entirely out of movie clichés. In this movie, Jim will fall in love with a woman he initially hates (they will have a heated argument which will suddenly turn into a makeout session). He will leave his job — and tell off his boss in explosive fashion — before embarking on a life-affirming journey. This will involve a tense car scene in which the prominent vehicle must make a quick 180-degree turn in the middle of the road for some reason.

Someone in the movie will say, "I'm not leaving," and will subsequently be thrown out in the very next scene. Characters will look at each other and scream in unison upon seeing something surprising.

And of course, the ending will feature Jim back in his bed, where he'll realize "it was all a dream." He will then find a key artifact in his bed from earlier in the film. "Or was it?"

There are hundreds, maybe thousands, of movie clichés, and this movie would feature as many as possible. The plot would only serve to introduce more of these clichés. Audience members could play spot-the-cliché. The dialogue would be as hackneyed as humanly possible.

"Here we go again!"

"Oh no, he didn't!"

"It's quiet ... too quiet."

It would be far too one-note. Too limited to a small, knowing audience. But it could also be hilarious.