My Top 20 Amusement Park Rides
I don’t ride roller coasters. There. Glad that’s out in the open. Before you start reading this, that’s the first thing you should know. This will not be a “favorite coaster” list, because I don’t ride the things. I have my reasons, such as these: Roller coasters give me headaches. And I don’t like heights.
Don’t get me wrong, I think roller coasters are awesome. I’m fascinated by their designs. They add so much to a park’s atmosphere. I wish I liked them. But they just don’t agree with me. I’m not going to force myself to wait at the longest lines in the park to ride something I clearly don’t enjoy just to avoid being called whatever it is people who don’t ride roller coasters are being called these days. Sorry. There are already plenty of great coaster lists out there.
This list will also not include attractions, though I thought long and hard about it. After all, how else will family favorite “Food Rocks” at Epcot (R.I.P.) — formerly Kitchen Kabaret — earn proper respect?
Here’s how: A brief aside! Food Rocks featured animatronic food-related characters singing parody songs. How could one resist Neil Moussaka, an eggplant with the voice of Neil Sedaka, singing “Vegetables Are Good for You,” to the tune of “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do?” How? Food Rocks was corny, bizarre, air-conditioned and short. In other words, it was the perfect theme park attraction. But it wasn’t impressive, and it didn’t scream “Disney” at all, so of course, it had to go.
(Equally beloved to my family were the Magic Kingdom’s Carousel of Progress and Tiki Room show.)
This list will certainly be shaped by nostalgia. It has to be. It’s a theme park list. Also, some of these rides no longer exist.
20. E.T. Adventure — Universal Studios Orlando, opened 1990
The wait for E.T. Adventure, like everything else at Universal Studios when I visited in the early 90s, was extremely long. Unbearably long. Though I’ve always loved E.T. (my first memory is watching E.T. at a drive-in), this ride wasn’t super memorable, except for one part: You told a park worker your name before you got on board, and at the end of the ride, E.T. would say goodbye to you, personally. “Goodbye, Phil.” That was great.
It was even better that my pap lied about his name, instead giving the name of his Italian hometown. “Bye, Toro,” E.T. said. To an 11-year-old Phil, that was hilarious. And mind-blowing. Lying can be fun!
19. The Living Seas — Epcot (Disney), opened 1986 (became The Seas with Nemo & Friends in 2005)
They’ve recently turned this into a Finding Nemo-themed ride, presumably because of marketing synergy or something like that. Can’t we just take a nice, slow ride through a bunch of aquariums? I like Finding Nemo, but c’mon.
The Living Seas also had these awesome fake elevators that made it seem like you were going deep underground, when actually, you would just step out the other side. I visited Epcot a few years ago, and I don’t remember these “Hydrolators” making the cut. Out of all the “Disney-fying” of lines (my family’s term for expertly keeping a line moving even though you’re not really getting close to the ride), that might have been the most clever.
18. Auto Race — Kennywood (West Mifflin, Pa.), opened 1930
Kennywood was the preeminent park of my youth, though I haven’t been there in ages. Auto Race features electric cars on a wood track. (According to Wikipedia, the Kennywood Auto Race is the last remaining ride of its kind.) You can’t actually drive the cars, but you can push the gas pedal, turn the steering wheel … it’s not a bad facsimile for a kid.
17. Jungle Cruise — Magic Kingdom (Disney), opened 1971
What would it be like to work as a Jungle Cruise tour guide? You’re earnestly describing the sights, gliding down a fake river, helming a boat on a guided track, shooting your fake gun at the animatronic hippos. In order to not completely hate your job, I imagine you have to get into it. Really get into it. I think I would switch accents constantly.
“Blimey, a rogue hippo! I’ma busta cap in that killa!”
16. Body Wars — Epcot, opened 1989, closed 2007
Fantastic Voyage as a simulator ride. What always cracked me up was the reason for being shrunk to microscopic levels in order to enter the body: We had to observe a splinter. Who came up with that exciting idea? Of course, things get a bit more harrowing once you got into the bloodstream.
I always pretended the splinter mission made sense, because we were all just amateurs at the whole getting-shrunk-and-entering-a-body thing. They wouldn’t send us in there to fight off tapeworm. We weren’t ready for that.
15. Grizzly Run — Geauga Lake (Aurora, Ohio), opened 1996, closed 2007
My memories of Grizzly Run are hazy — it was just another rapids ride — but I do remember enjoying it more than all the other assorted rapids rides I’d been on in my life (which weren’t that many). I don’t know why. I probably got off the ride and thought, “Gee, that sure was swell.”
14. Kangaroo — Kennywood, opened 1962
You ride in a cart, which goes around in a circle, off a large bump, sends you through the air briefly, and returns you safely to the ground. Then it happens again. For a kid who didn’t ride coasters, the Kangaroo was a relative thrill ride. And in this era of over-the-top ride names, “Kangaroo” is a charming moniker. I pray it never becomes the Totally Thumpin’ Kanger.
13. El Rio del Tiempo — Epcot, opened 1982 (became Gran Fiesta Tour Starring The Three Caballeros in 2007)
Now listen. I like The Three Caballeros more than most, but the timing for the change is a little strange. Do today’s kids identify with a animated feature film from the mid-’40s? I’m not even sure today’s kids know who Donald Duck is, to be honest. A shame, really, because he’s probably Disney’s best character.
The slow boat ride in Epcot’s Mexico used to be El Rio del Tiempo (The River of Time). There weren’t any cartoon characters leading you along the way. It was just a look at random Mexican scenes. It was peaceful. It made me want to visit Mexico. And it was always the coolest ride ever. I mean that literally. When that Florida sun was hitting you hardest, that was the time to take a trip down El Rio del Tiempo. I swear they kept that ride at 60 degrees. It was amazing.
12. Star Tours — Disney’s Hollywood Studios, opened 1989 (closing this month and later changing to Star Tours II)
A Star Wars-related simulator ride. Maybe it would be higher on the list if I rode it more often, but I only went to MGM Studios (as it used to be called) once. And one trip to MGM Studios is enough.
11. Haunted Mansion — Magic Kingdom, opened 1971
Despite Eddie Murphy’s best efforts, the Haunted Mansion is still pretty cool. It’s a Disney ride about death. Its very existence is perplexing, and justifies inclusion on the list. Favorite parts: The holographic ghosts who ride with you at the end, and of course, the pictures with the moving eyes. That will always be creepy, no matter what, no matter where.
10. Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride — Magic Kingdom, opened 1971, closed 1998
It’s easy to understand why Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride didn’t make it to our current century. For one thing, the ride sent you to Hell. Honestly. That’s the final part of the ride. You had to escape Hell.
Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride lived up to its name. Unlike many “dark” rides, this sent you careening all over the place. The car would zig and zag while all sorts of zaniness took place around you. Yep. The triple Z-factor, and I’m not talking about sleep. I imagine this was as close as kids with responsible parents could get to experiencing an acid trip. Remember, this predated Yo Gabba Gabba!
Not only that, but the ride featured two different tracks with two separate experiences. How sweet is that?
9. Horizons — Epcot, opened 1983, closed 1999
This was a fairly typical Epcot ride — it was about man’s perception of the future — until the end. That’s when you got to choose your own ending. Oh, yeah. Power to the people. You could pick space, desert or sea. And you would be shown that film in your car — a simulated flyover of your selection. That could have been the whole ride and it would have been enough for young Phil.
Horizons was demolished to make room for Mission: SPACE. I think I rode it once. I don’t remember anything about it. Is SPACE supposed to be an acronym? Weak.
8. Pirates of the Caribbean — Magic Kingdom, opened 1973
Pirates of the Caribbean was a long, entertaining boat ride with a fun drop. I say “was” because Disney has surely sullied it by now. I didn’t even have to check Wikipedia to verify this, but I did anyway.
And what do you know? Apparently, the whole sequence with the pirates chasing the women was done away with. Of course it was. It was only the most memorable scene in the whole ride, other than the prisoners trying to lure the dog holding the keys. Not cool, Disney. I guess we should just be lucky they didn’t add Orlando Bloom’s character to the ride. (Jack Sparrow, however, was always there.)
7. Earthquake: The Big One – Universal Studios Orlando, opened 1990, closed 2007
The thing I remember most about Earthquake was that I felt like I was getting my money’s worth. The line was long, but so was the ride. It featured multiple phases, including the big quake itself. There was some bit about acting, and Charlton Heston was involved.
…I honestly don’t know why I liked this ride so much. It just seemed substantial for some reason.
6. Bumper Cars — Anywhere USA
Of all the standard rides scattered across theme parks and carnivals in this great land, I’ll take the bumper cars. Some may prefer ferris wheels, while others may enjoy carousels. But I want control. And I want to ram people. For at least a few minutes.
The two best things about bumper cars: 1.) When you push your legs forward at just the right time as you crush someone from behind, and you see their head jerk back and forward real quick. 2.) Seeing someone’s face right after they get totally blasted unexpectedly. This usually occurs after the person in question hits someone and lets down his or her guard for just a second. WHAM.
Is there anyway bumper cars can survive? Medical lawsuits will kill these things eventually, right? I have no evidence to prove this, but I’m guessing bumper cars were way more intense back in the day.
5. Hershey’s Great American Chocolate Tour — Hershey’s Chocolate World (Hershey, Pa.), opened 1973
My favorite ride in Hershey, Pa. isn’t even in Hersheypark — The Great American Chocolate Tour is next door, at Hershey’s Chocolate World. It’s a long dark ride about how chocolate is made. That’s all. This catchy jingle plays as you learn about the cocoa bean. When you get off the ride, you can buy all kinds of chocolate.
Most of this is shameless self-promotion, of course, but I don’t care. Because I love chocolate more than Cathy loves chocolate. AACK!
Freakin’ Cathy.
4. Back to the Future: The Ride — Universal Studios Florida, opened 1991, closed 2007
I’m not going to hate on what replaced Back to the Future: The Ride, because it’s The Simpsons Ride, and though I love Back to the Future, I love The Simpsons even more.
That being said, BTTF:TR was the perfect simulation ride. First of all, you’re flying around in the De Lorean. Which is perfect. There’s no need for some contrived cart. The De Lorean you’re riding in happens to be an eight-person convertible, but other than that, it does what the De Lorean Time Machine is supposed to do. You fly around through time.
How could it get any better? Well, did I mention that this ride was a sequel of sorts to Back to the Future: Part III? That’s right. This ride followed those events chronologically. You continued the saga on a ride. (Though Marty McFly was not involved, as Doc Brown was the star of this show. In essence, the riders got to play what would normally be Marty’s role.) And of course, you had to chase Biff Tannen. It was all too perfect.
They couldn’t find some way to save this ride? According to Wikipedia, it still exists at Universal Studios Japan. Enjoy it, Japanese folk. Take good care of it, ya hear?
3. Whip — Kennywood, opened 1918
The Whip is an ancient amusement park classic. If you’ve never had the pleasure, let me explain. In brief, it’s a flat ride with cars that travel around an oval track. When your car gets to the end of the track, it whips around to the other side. That is it. It is beautiful in its simplicity. It is always fun, and you will want to get right back in line as soon as you exit the ride. There’s a reason it’s been around since 1918.
Sometimes, some of the Whip cars are empty as they go around the track. I guess that’s…
2. Maelstrom — Epcot, opened 1988
Norway will be forever cool to me and many others because of the Maelstrom. You take a boat ride through a viking fantasy world, complete with flashing lights, living trees and angry trolls. And like Pirates of the Caribbean, it’s got a hill that seems bigger than it really is.
Vikings > Pirates. (Except for the Pittsburgh Pirates.)
1. Noah’s Ark — Kennywood, opened 1936
Like I said, this list is shaped by nostalgia. I haven’t been on Noah’s Ark in years, and there’s probably a good chance an adult who’s never been on it before would be very bored. I don’t care.
Noah’s Ark is a classic walk-through fun house. Like many of Kennywood’s best rides, good luck finding another one of these. Each room in Noah’s Ark is like a different adventure. One room had a black light. Another stretch featured the famous shaky floorboards. There is no real rhyme or reason to the setup. No animated guide explaining why these things are happening to you. They just are. Things happen. Sometimes they’re creepy. That’s life.
Noah’s Ark is a long, fun adventure that you get to experience on your own two feet. They’ve messed around with it over the years, but at least it still exists. After all, what natural disaster could destroy it? It’s Noah’s Ark.